Annotation Notes: This parody was posted after the end of first season, during the long dry wait for new episodes.
"Tyldus" was the handle used by Steve Sears (X:WP screenwriter) when he dropped into the Xenaverse.

Joxer's New Job

by Ella Quince

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF GENERIC COUNTRY ROAD - EXTERIOR DAY

Xena and Gabrielle are walking side by side along the road with Argo trailing behind. They are already in mid-argument.

XENA: Well, I never said I didn't.

GABRIELLE: Well, neither did I! Which means next time we could run into my older brother.

XENA: Oh, please, Gabrielle. That wouldn't be very plausible.

GABRIELLE: And Toris was plausible?

VOICE: Hold it right there! (A figure leaps out from behind a shrub to block their path)

INSERT CLOSE-UP OF XENA AND GABRIELLE ROLLING THEIR EYES

XENA: Joxer!

GABRIELLE: (groaning) Oh, no, not again.

He marches up to them and stretches a piece of string from Xena's side to Gabrielle's side.

JOXER: (eyeing the string critically) Just as I thought! You're standing too close.

XENA: We're what?

JOXER: You're violating the new studio standard for Proximity Between Female Characters...by at least a full inch.

GABRIELLE: Joxer, why are you doing this...(waves at the string)...this string thing.

JOXER: It's easier to carry around than a ruler. (He rolls the string into a tiny ball and tucks it into a pocket) This is all part of my new job. (He starts rummaging in another pocket) I'm the newly appointed On-site Studio Censor.

XENA: (sneering) And just what do you intend on doing about our "proximity."

JOXER: This! (With a flourish he pulls out an angular piece of wood and thrusts it into the space between Xena and Gabrielle) My orders are to drive a wedge between the two of you!

GABRIELLE: (laughing) Yeah, and?

JOXER: Uh...uh... (he waggles the wedge experimentally)...I'm not really sure... (with his free hand he pats at numerous other pockets to the accompaniment of clanging sound effects)...but I've got my policy manual here somewhere...

XENA: Well, when you figure it out, let us know.

They step around him and continue on down the path.

CUT TO: long shot of them walking away from the camera. Their voices float back.

GABRIELLE: You don't think he was serious about that censorship stuff, do you?

XENA: Don't be silly, Gabrielle. It's not like we're living in the Middle Ages.

SLOW DISSOLVE TO EXTERIOR CAMPSITE - NIGHT

As Xena tethers Argo to a tree, Joxer slips up beside her and measures her distance from the horse with the string. Xena growls.

JOXER: (nervously backing away) Just checking.

Xena unpacks a bundle of blankets from Argo's saddlebags and brings them to Gabrielle, who's been tending the campfire. As Xena hands over the blankets, their hands touch for a brief lingering moment.

JOXER: I'm still new at this. Would you classify that as a Loving Gesture or a Deceptively Casual Contact?

GABRIELLE: (dryly) That depends on which one we're allowed to use.

JOXER: Oh, you're not allowed either one. (He waves the limp string) Remember? There's also a ban on Incidental and Gratuitous Touching.

GABRIELLE: (dropping the bundle and placing her hands on her hips) You're beginning to get on my nerves.

JOXER: Oh, no, no, no! This simply won't do!

XENA: Now what?

JOXER: (pointing down to the ground) You two know exactly what I mean.

XENA: Oh, that. But those blankets are always off-screen. Nobody sees them.

GABRIELLE: Right. It's one of our best examples of Plausible Deniability.

She and Xena exchange a meaningful look.

JOXER: I saw that, too. You're allowed one of those, but don't let me catch you using another one.

XENA and GABRIELLE: (in unison) Huh?

JOXER: (flourishing the policy manual) You've been restricted to one Meaningful Look per episode. That was it.

GABRIELLE: Where does it say that?

JOXER: Page two, paragraph ten.

XENA: Damn.

GABRIELLE: But how can we build any dramatic tension into an episode with just one meaningful look?

JOXER: Okay, if absolutely necessary for the creative integrity of the story, I can get an executive waiver for a supplemental Knowing Look.

XENA: (heaving a sigh of exasperation) Swell.

JOXER: That's good! You're allowed an unlimited number of sarcastic rejoinders, not to mention sneers, withering glances and quelling stares. The sky's the limit.

GABRIELLE: Yeah, but what about me? Those reactions are all out of character for me. Without meaningful looks my artistic palette is severely limited. (She throws her hands up into the air) I simply can't work under these conditions.

JOXER: Hmm, I can see where that would be a problem. But, hey, I've heard the Alley Theater in Houston is holding open auditions next month. Maybe you should go back--

GABRIELLE: Okay, maybe I can work under these conditions. But only because I'm a very good actress.

XENA: (with a menacing glare) Joxer, you're upsetting my friend. (She snatches the policy manual out of his hands) I don't like that.

JOXER: Hey! Hey, give that back!

XENA: (pulling out the heavy artillery by combining a withering look with a contemptuous sneer) This is what I think of your policies. (She crumples the pages into a ball and tosses them away) Come on, Gabrielle, let's find this episode's tavern. I need a drink.

CUT TO INTERIOR GENERIC TAVERN

Xena has just been handed an ale by the bartender when she hears shouting from the corner of the room. Taking a quick chug from the tankard, she rushes over to find Gabrielle with her staff raised and one of the patrons lying spread-eagle on the floor.

XENA: What happened?

GABRIELLE: This cretin just tried to put his hand on my brea--

XENA: Joxer!

JOXER: (working his way through the crowd) Yeah, what?

XENA: You're the studio censor. Why didn't you stop this guy from bothering Gabrielle?

JOXER: Sure, now you want a policy. (He pulls out the crumpled manual, scans this page and that, and finally shrugs.) Nope, no prohibition against passes from sleazy guys in taverns. However, speaking of policies... (He eyes the distance between Gabrielle and Xena suspiciously. They edge apart until he nods his approval.)

XENA: (wearily) I guess this wasn't such a good idea, Gabrielle. Let's go back to the campfire.

JOXER: Not so fast! (he waves at the room full of men) This tavern provides you with an excellent opportunity to initiate one of your Obligatory Heterosexual Liaisons.

XENA: My WHAT?

GABRIELLE: (snatching the manual out of Joxer's hands) Let me see that.

JOXER: Page three, paragraph four.

GABRIELLE: (reading, while Xena glowers in the background) Here it is...shall engage in sexual relations with members of the opposite sex no fewer than... Wow!

XENA: This is ridiculous.

GABRIELLE: I think Joxer's right, Xena. You'd better get started now or by the end of the season Tyldus is going to have to write a scene with a gang-ba--

XENA: All right, all right, I get the picture. (She turns to a guy sitting at a nearby table) Hey, you! (She grabs him by the shoulder and hauls him out his chair) We're going into the back room. Now!

Patron: No, no! Have mercy!

XENA: (with a quelling stare) You got a problem with this?

Patron: (swallowing audibly) Uhhh, I meant, no, no problem.

XENA: That's better. (She drags him along behind her) Oh, for Zeus’ sake, stop blubbering. I don't like this any more than you do.

Gabrielle and Joxer are left alone together to wait. They take a seat at an empty table. A strained silence develops. She hums under her breath, he drums his fingers on the table. Finally, Gabrielle clears her throat to speak.

GABRIELLE: So, what does the policy manual say about deep, loving, committed long-term relationships?

JOXER: Deep, loving... umm, doesn't ring a bell. (He scans through the pages, then squints at the bottom of the last page) Oh, wait, here it is in the fine print: Optional, but do not extend beyond one episode so that the main character is free to have another loving, committed relationship in the next episode.

GABRIELLE: Forty minutes is a committed relationship?

JOXER: (shrugs, then does a double-take at the fine print) Say, your agent's been busy. You've got a quota yourself this season.

GABRIELLE: (alarmed) I do?

JOXER: (with a leer) Listen, we could--

GABRIELLE: (whips out her staff and with one swing flips him over the back of his chair and flat onto the floor) No, I don't think that would be a good idea.

JOXER: Just trying...to help...(loses consciousness)

Gabrielle looks up in time to see Xena stalking back into the room.

GABRIELLE: That didn't take long.

XENA: I don't want to talk about it. (she looks down at the prostrate Joxer, who is lying next to the prostrate patron from earlier in the scene.) (hopefully) Did you kill him?

GABRIELLE: Sorry, no. It's a little late in the episode for me to deal with the trauma of losing my blood innocence. Besides, he's got friends in high places. They might get pissed off if we improvise that far from the script.

XENA: Yeah, I guess you're right. (she nudges Joxer with her boot) Good work, though. With luck, he won't wake up until after the next commercial, which means we'll have some unsupervised time together.

GABRIELLE: Awright!

They exchange a long meaningful look, then walk out of the tavern side by side, gently bumping into each other along the way.

FADE TO BLACK